DATING & MARRIAGE PREPARATION
Take a minute to read this excerpt from the New Era Special Dating Issue from April 2010.
Is Dating Dead?
What would your response be to this question? We’ve asked young men and women all around the world, and while there hasn’t been complete agreement, most of you have told us there’s just not a lot of dating going on where you live—at least not a lot of dating in the traditional LDS sense.
For example, Felicity Lawrance says, “In England, the dating of my generation has become ridiculous. Here if someone asks ‘Will you go out with me?’ it really means ‘Will you be my boy/girlfriend?’ And if the answer is yes then you are boyfriend and girlfriend. It completely skips the period of getting to know each other!”
Some teens we talked to called this the “instacouple” phenomenon.
Kathryn Jones says that in Colorado traditional dating is “pretty much dead,” particularly when it comes to dating a variety of people. She explains, “If an LDS guy went on a date with a non-LDS girl one week and then went out with another girl who was LDS the next week, the non-LDS girl wouldn’t get it.”
So, exclusivity seems to be implied right up front, making it awkward to follow the counsel to date a number of different people.
This trend away from dating seems to be pretty consistent, according to what LDS teens are telling us. So is that a problem? Probably not when you are 17, but what about when you are 21? Your best bet is to hold fast to the teachings of the gospel, always uphold your high standards, and follow the counsel of prophets and apostles. One great source for gospel standards is For the Strength of Youth, where it says on the topic of dating, “Good friendships can and should be developed at every age” ([2001], 24). While you’re a teenager, the point of dating is simply that—to make friends. In that spirit, dating—or getting acquainted—will always be alive and well.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks has some thoughts on the "Dating is Dead" issue. Read what he has to say.
Dating: An Endangered Species
"What has made dating an endangered species? I am not sure, but I can see some contributing factors:
1. The cultural tides in our world run strongly against commitments in family relationships. For example, divorce has been made legally easy, and childbearing has become unpopular. These pressures against commitments obviously serve the devil’s opposition to the Father’s plan for His children. That plan relies on covenants or commitments kept. Whatever draws us away from commitments weakens our capacity to participate in the plan. Dating involves commitments, if only for a few hours. Hanging out requires no commitments, at least not for the men if the women provide the food and shelter.
2. The leveling effect of the women’s movement has contributed to discourage dating. As women’s options have increased and some women have become more aggressive, some men have become reluctant to take traditional male initiatives, such as asking for dates, lest they be thought to qualify for the dreaded label “male chauvinist.”
3. Hanging out is glamorized on TV programs about singles.
4. The meaning and significance of a “date” has also changed in such a way as to price dating out of the market. I saw this trend beginning among our younger children. For whatever reason, high school boys felt they had to do something elaborate or bizarre to ask for a date, especially for an event like a prom, and girls felt they had to do likewise to accept. …
All of this made dating more difficult. And the more elaborate and expensive the date, the fewer the dates. As dates become fewer and more elaborate, this seems to create an expectation that a date implies seriousness or continuing commitment. That expectation discourages dating even more. Gone is the clumsy and inexpensive phone call your parents and grandparents and I used to make. That call went something like this: “What’re ya doin’ tonight? How about a movie?” Or, “How about taking a walk downtown?”
Do you agree with Elder Oaks?
How common is dating in your school or ward?
Do you think going on a date with someone automatically means you are boyfriend/girlfriend?
Why or why not?
How common is dating in your school or ward?
Do you think going on a date with someone automatically means you are boyfriend/girlfriend?
Why or why not?
The Proclamation tells us "IN THE PREMORTAL REALM, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally."
Eternal marriage is a vital part of Heavenly Father's plan and is obviously very important to Him. And according to a recent study, 90% of young adults in the US think having a good marriage and family life is "quite important" or "very important to them”, too.
But how do we figure out WHO to marry? And how can we figure that out if "dating is dead?"
But how do we figure out WHO to marry? And how can we figure that out if "dating is dead?"
Finding vs. Becoming:
According to Successful Marriages and Families, there are two main ways young adults go about looking for a mate.
The first approach to dating can be called the “Finding Mr./Ms. Right” approach. It is pretty popular and common in our culture and even in the Church. The primary question of this approach is “How do I find the right person for me?” and we usually have a list of traits we are looking for. What would be on your list?
But Elder David A. Bednar suggests a better way, what we might call the "Becoming Mr./Ms. Right” approach. Listen to what he told young people on a Mormon Channel radio show back in 2009:
“As we visit with young adults all over the Church, often they will ask, ‘Well, what are the characteristics I should look for in a future spouse?’ As though they have some checklist of, ‘I need to find someone who has these three, or four, or five things.’ And I rather forcefully say to them, ‘You are so arrogant to think that you are some catch and that you want someone else who has these five things for you! If you found somebody who had these three or four or five characteristics that you’re looking for, what makes you think they’d want to marry you?’ The ‘list' is not for evaluating someone else - the list is for YOU and what YOU need to become.”
He then says:
“You are not on a shopping spree looking for the greatest value with a series of characteristics. You become what you hope your spouse will be and you’ll have a greater likelihood of finding that person.”
What do you think about that? I love the "shopping spree" line! It reminds me of a great quote by Elder Marvin J. Ashton, “The goal is not to wait for the right person, but to be the right person.”
Some of you may be thinking to yourselves: "Sister White, why are we talking about finding a mate?? I’m not ready to get married yet, I’m only 16!” to which I would say, “You are absolutely right!”, but these next few years are when the choices you make will either bring you closer to becoming like the person on your Wish List or further away from it. I just want you to keep these ideas in mind so you can stay on the right track. But here is some great stuff about dating you can use NOW.
In April 2010, the Church published a special Dating Issue of the NEW ERA magazine. Do you remember that? Do you still have a copy somewhere in your room? If you don’t, no worries…here are a few links to some of the awesome articles:
NEW ERA Special Dating Issue - April 2010
To the Young Men on Dating If you are a young man, read this article and then write down a few of your thoughts and impressions about it. Did you read something you had never thought of before?
To the Young Women on Dating Same for you, Sisters. Read this and write down a few things that impressed you about it.
Have you done any of these things? What is the best date you have been on? One of the most fun dates I remember was going out to an Italian restaurant, ordering spaghetti and only being able to use chopsticks to eat it with. We laughed a lot more than we ate, I promise!
One more thing to think about. Elder Oak's granddaughter taught him that in order for an outing to be considered a "date" it has to pass the 3 Ps Test:
A date must be:
1) planned ahead,
2) paid for (by the young man) and
3) paired off.
Do your dates meet these standards?
If not, what needs to change?
You can read more about this in his awesome talk called Dating vs. Hanging Out .
If not, what needs to change?
You can read more about this in his awesome talk called Dating vs. Hanging Out .
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